Stupid Doug Tricks
S.'s list of 20 Stupid Doug Tricks. Everyone
is going to think I'm the 4th Stooge, but I think
if we all think back, we'll probably find some
real doozies in our past. After about 20 years of
wheeling, you can get quite a repertoire...
- 28 spline axles with a locker. 500 bucks in
axles later, I figure out 31 splines are a good
idea and that everyone's advice was correct.
- A 3 inch x 7 inch PS cooler on the F150 box
conversion. Smoked about 4 gearboxes and 5 pumps
before I found the value of a mondo cooler in
front of the radiator.
- Mounting a tow hook
through the frame with just lock washers and nuts
on the inside. Result is a 50 cal sized towhook
hole through the back of my bud's Toyota. Good
thing it was a Toyota :>) (I was pulling HIM,
- Mounting toolboxes on the inner
fenderwells, then putting my tow chains in the
boxes. Fenderwells cracked all over.
- Trusting your machinist to properly install
your oil galley plugs on your new 351. This ate my
bearings when one plug fell out.
- Not checking
for clips on your new truck's tire rack. Lost a
16 hour old 33-12.50 Mud TA and Cragar wheel and
the whole damn rack. Never did find it.
- Welding on the sheet metal of your truck with
the windows up and the doors locked. Jute inside
caught fire and by the time I noticed it, the
whole inside was white with smoke. Then I had to
find the keys, unlock it, and spend an hour trying
to stop the smoldering. That stuff burns like a
cigarrette. Used the garden hose, finally. Halon
didn't cut it. Truck smelled bad for months and I
had to replace wiring and the heater duct that
goes to the outside.
- Changing 6 sets of hubs
that wore out before checking if the axle housing
was bent. It was.
- Thinking that that rumbling
sound was a U-joint going bad. It was a wheel
coming loose. Fell off the exact moment the truck
came to a stop. Thank you, Lord .
- Not tying
down that toolbox because it is such a pain
constantly tying and untying it. When the truck
rolled, the damn thing chased around the cab like
a rabid pit bull. You had to be there to really
appreciate a toolbox chasing you.
- Not having
a rollbar. I have never made this mistake, but
this is one thing I have always done right and it
saved my bacon bigtime. Definitely worth
mentioning on a list of stupid mistakes.
- Hooking up those KC Daylighters on the same
fuse block with your fuel injection, then putting
a 30 amp breaker ahead of the whole mess. Engine
would backfire and then the lights and engine
would die. KC's on a separate circuit, please.
- Jumping an EB. With my first EB, at age 19, I
thought jumping it was a blast. Front axle bent
and started leaking. These were wheels five feet
in the air- type jumps...
- Playing Parnelli
Jones Off-Road Racing with my friends in the
desert. Trail we had driven a zillion times had
been washed out by a rain storm. Hit the other
side of the washout, broke the front axle housing
between the radius arm and the knuckle, and mashed
the bumper. My 6 foot 7 friend bashed his head on
the roof. Again, 19 years old. (I'm 40 now, and a
little wiser...but as always, that's up for
debate...) What's worse, the Subaru Brat won...
- Thinking I could disregard Holley's advice to
run two fuel pumps with the Projection system.
Hell, I was a Turbine Engine Fuel Controls
Engineer at one time; I can plumb something
up... Vapor locks galore.
- Going up to the snow with no chains and
getting in too far. Doug, you're a flatlander
desert rat. Don't pretend to know how to drive in
snow. Digging an EB out with a jack handle and a
comealong is no fun. Toboggan ride down the hill
was no fun, either.
- Swerving to miss an old geezer that pulled out
in front of me. Hit them straight on. Besides
them deserving it, it might keep you from rolling.
- Just having to go 4 wheeling on the way to my
folks house on Easter. I just couldn't pass up a
quick trip through the river bottom (dry river in
AZ). Problem was it was dry on the surface, and
caca type mud underneath. Showed up for Easter
dinner 3 hours late and covered in mud, dropped
off by a taxi, with the EB buried in a shady part
of town in the river bottom. For the last 19 years
at every Easter family get together, my family
reminds me of it. Hey, so I love to 4 wheel... 19
years later, I'm still 4 wheeling an EB... (but
never on Easter morning)
- Lockers on ice. No,
not a new Ice Capades show, but the jacknifing
action you get when pulling a trailer full of
Christmas trees and then trying to decel on ice in
Flagstaff, when you didn't really know you were on
ice to begin with. The tires go to idle speed
even if you are going 40 when you let off the gas.
Lockers are doo-doo on ice, as are Zonies.
- Thinking the looseness of your front end
was just age. Check the nut on the steering box
Pitman arm. This one could have been bad... Doug
S. ---and alive to tell about it :>)